I Have Left College

I have finally left college. It was my final day today.

I am so glad that all that pressure has been relieved.

I feel like the world is lighter (even though that is impossible)

The last few weeks have been hell. I hated having to revise and concentrate I just cannot think about one subject for that long. Now it is over I can finaly relax and get on with things.

Life is not going to get any easier now thought because I have to get a job and work for the next year and a half until I go to university. I dont want to do retail which menas that my options are limited to what I would like to do.

I would love to go back to the lingfeild countryside centre as that was a fun 4 weeks. Even though I was outside all the time in the middle of summer I did not get sunburned. I also spent the time doing a survey on Hedgerowsn (not as boring as it sounds).

OOOOOHhhhhhh I am so free.

The chains of life aint bothering meeee

This is a song about the me and the seeeaaaa

Snizle my songizlle coz immm brizzle

leaving college

I Adam McConnell am leaving college on monday the 27 of June.

Thank the scales of balance for that.

It is not that I am bored of the college life it is just the fact that I need a rest before I go out and get a job for the year out (I am taking a year out before I go to university).

I will miss the morining ritual of getting up at 6:45 (NOT) and having to go to college and then spending the day in boring lessons in which I want to go to sleep in (Only ever did threee times). This was due to a constant late night problem of never going to bed before 11 pm.

I will miss the friends that I have made the most. I hope them all well in the future and they know that i will always be there in the shadows (like the ninja I never forget a grude. Not that any of them have given need for vengence to be carried out in the future).

Anyway this is a cheerie goodbye from the Adam Mcconnell !

The past few posts

The last few posts were written late on at night when I was not paying attention. This has resulted in me opening up a little bit more than would normallly happen. This has also resulted in some very weird (by me standards when reread thismorning). This is because I don’t remember typing them with that musch emotion. I have also noticed that when I read through them not all the facts were put in so what I have decided to is edit them without deleting the old posts so you can compare. This will hopefully mean that they make more sence

The crazy touched mind of me
I have been described as touched. This is due to the fact of my crazy tendencies and the fact thaat I have become the random element in conversation that no one can understand. Over the past few months I have developed a few complexes that I cannot describe. These are the following:
I have started to feel that if someone touches me that I want to recoil. Unless I give him or her permission I start to want to back off away from the person. A good example of this is I hate to be sat to close to someone. It makes me very uncomfortable. I cannot describe the horrid feeling that I get and also the unnerving need to want to run away . This worries me slightly as I don’t know how to overcome this. I wan never like this before. Do I need to get myself a girlfriend that I can get to understand me to remove this barrier or is it just a phase which I am going through. I find it really hard to imagine myself with a girlfriend, as I have never thought about it before. This is probabilly due to the fact that I am very shy and feel as if I could never open up to somone that deeply.
This is also where the mild paranoia does not help. I have this image of myself that I want to project but I am constantly bombarded with mirrors that tell me that I have not achieved this look. I need to find a decent hairstyle and a way of expressing my self either in clothes or in some other way (perhaps a tatoo or goatee). They also tell me that I have spots that I cannot do anything about and constantly annoying stubble which grows way to fast and becomes very rough. I have at one point managed to wear away a shirt because I kept turning my head around and that was when I had shaved the night before. I also have this image of myself in my head and this does not correspond with my image in the mirror which adds to this conflict of inner and outer me. I have not ever tried to figure out why this is but will do.
The last reason why I am touched I my mind. It is in tatters. I cannot concentrate on anything for to long without being distracted. I am having troubling linking topics in conversation because I think to far ahead of the conversation and then speak. As no one can follow my reasoning they all think that I am weird and laugh. A good example of this is a couple of days ago I wandered off (topic and mentally only of course with just random responses while I thought) in the middle of conversation about something I cannot remember and then I just blurted out “would giraffes be good at deep throat”. This got everyone laughing but I could not remember how I came to that conclusion. This is also the reason why I cannot in my mind ever see me finding a girlfriend that I could relate to and see myself going out with without her being the same.
What is hapening to me

Friends and my self pity
I have lost the ability to laugh about life.I care about everything to do with the world around me and feel as I have been drained of all enjoyment. At the same time I feel as if I don’t carea bout what anyone has to say.
All my college mates are very friendly and I love them dearly and when I am away from college I miss them. This is the opposite for my gaming mates (GDCI). I have found myself drifting apart from them and with the announce that Dave is leaving it feels like the end of an era. I will have to find a way of staying in touch with my gaming mates but I have found this rift is to do with the gaming life itself.I want to live in the real world and find it harder and harder to enjoy playing games like dungeons and dragons without an amazing amount of effoert which remmoves the enjoyment factor. I have aslo come to terms with the fact that I am a medium gamer and all my mates are either better or the same no matter what. I have found that I don’t care at all whether they beat me and I have lost that feeling of constantly needing to win and improve. Yet I am not a masterI need a change. I need to help myself in somway find that spark again.I want to hang out with my friends from college more and more but they don’t seem to want to. This is due to the growing schizm between me and my gaming mates.What can I do in my year out that means that I could do something with my college mates without departing from GDCI. I don’t want it to end up like when I left primary school where I just severed all ties with the friends I made there and never saw them again even though I live next to the school.I am so depressed at the fact that in my year out I could end up with no friends at all to help me throughHave I created a mask that I wear that has some how clouded my judgement. Have not seen something important in my life that could explian why I feel this way or is it just me trying to get around the fact that I am stressed and don’t want to lose the routine of college.AAAAHHHHHHHH

Communism

The rise and fall of the red star has started to interest me.
I know that I don’t have all the facts yet but so far I have found that communism if done properly could work.
I have so far researched some info on Stalin. I have found that I have some of his views but the one that shocked me was the fact that I shared some of the views of Mao. He was evil man (45 million died in the cultural revolution alone).
I find myself thinking who would be the people that I would put up against the wall. So far my list does not exist but I am sure it will in some weeks to come and with it reasons.
The main thing I like about communism is the idea of equality and sharing. I know that if we shared our food out we could wipe out world hunger. The problem is though the rich bastards in America have become fat and rich and they crave power, which they have. This is where their fear of communism comes form.
I don’t care whatever the Americans do anymore I have come to hate them. I cannot explain why (I think it is to do with their lifestyle and their attitude and I know that I am stereotyping) but I find myself becoming a person who wants to tip the scales of fate in the favour of the terrorist. I think that the Americans need to become part of the real world and live with suffering and pain. I believe that this would create unity.
I don’t care what you think now and if you want to kill me for my statement than go ahead but death is a release from our mortal coil and is a way of life. I don’t care.

The crazy touched mind of me

I have been described as touched. This is due to the fact of my crazy tendencies.
I don’t like to be touched and have become slightly paranoid.
I feel that if someone touches me that I want to recoil unless I give him or her permission. I hate to be sat to close to someone. It makes me very uncomfortable. I cannot describe the horrid feeling and the cold sweat. This worries me slightly as I don’t know how to overcome this. Do I need to get myself a girlfriend that I can get to understand me or is it just a phase or a chemical imbalance in me. I find it really hard to imagine myself with a girlfriend, as I have never thought about it before. Is it just me or am I sacred that no one will ever like me that closely.
This is also where the mild paranoia does not help. I have this image of myself that I want to project but I am constantly bombarded with mirrors that tell me that I need to find a decent hairstyle (which I do) and a way of expressing my self. They also tell me that I have spots that I cannot do anything and constantly annoying stubble. I also have this image of myself in my head and this does not correspond with my image in the mirror. I have not ever tried to figure out why this is.
The last reason why I am touched I my mind. It is tatters. I cannot concentrate on anything for to long without being distracted. I am having troubling linking topics in conversation because I think to far ahead of the conversation and then speak. As no one can follow my reasoning they all think that I am weird and laugh. A good example of this is a couple of days ago I wandered off (topic and mentally only of course with just random responses while I thought) in the middle of conversation about something I cannot remember and then I just blurted out “would giraffes be good at deep throat”. This got everyone laughing but I could not remember how I came to that conclusion. This is also the reason why I cannot find a girlfriend that I could relate to and see myself going out with.

What is hapening to me

Friends and my self pity

I have lost the ability to laugh about life.
I care about everything and feel as I have been drained of all enjoyment. All my college mates are very friendly and I love them dearly and when I am away from college I miss them.
This is the opposite for my gaming mates. I have found myself drifting apart from them and with the announce that Dave is leaving it feels like the need of an era. I will have to find a way of staying in touch with my dear gaming friends but I have found this rift is to do with the gaming life itself.
I want to live in the real world and find it harder and harder to come to terms with the fact that I am a medium gamer and all my mates are either better or the same no matter what. I have found that I don’t care at all.
I need a change. I need to help myself.
I want to hang out with my friends from college more and more but they don’t seem to want to. What can I do?
I am so depressed
Is it a mask that I wear or that I have created that clouds my eyes. I have not seen something important or is it just me trying to get around the fact that I am stressed and don’t want to lose the routine of college.
AAAAHHHHHHHH

This website and my life

This website was originally designed for my to post witty comment on my life but for a while now I have become bored with the idea of life. I am not going to kill myself but I am so bored and the idea of death as a release is one that I have.
This has only come about since my cat died. I never noticed how little joy I had in my life. All I can say is that I exist now for nothing. All I do is listen to metal and dance while trying to revise for my exams. I am currently trying to get everything in order for I leave college. It is the end of an era for me. I in this last year have made lots of new friends and all of them are more interesting than me. I feel like a shallow pool with a façade of underwater currents. I have nothing to back up these currents and this annoys me. As it all for show. I have lots of friends but I feel awkward in conversations because I cannot add anything to them normally other than the chaos element.
I need to change myself.

Karma (final religion post)

The sum of a person's actions during the successive phases of his existence, regarded as determining his destiny in future incarnations.
The scales of equilibrium that balance our lives is all around us. This is a force of justice and it shall be dealt with accordingly. If life gives out shit and you work hard to live then your labour will bear fruits. This is a way to live by. Be a good person and you shall be received in good favour by more than your peers. This is a rule that can be followed in the modern world.
This is my belief now and I will one day become more than just part of the scales of fairness. This will be the reward. I will live in a light of goodness in the memories of people who I care about rather than in a physical from.
This is my new found philosophy.
I will live by this method in the hope of understanding the world.
The scales are a balance and how could we tip them in our favour at certain points.
But in doing so will it alter later pieces of fate.
As I have worked out that fate is predetermined ahead of time and that if we accept this we can see more than just the illusion of life. The illusion of life is our fooled senses and also our idea of free will. This is the precognition and not just deaja Vu.
I believe that if something can be explained it is true and that if there is no doubt in my mind, it will work. This is the case of things like Dream catchers and angels which I also beleve in.

This is my last word on the subject of faith and I will not be swayed from this path. I have devotion.